As much as I enjoyed my Christmas today, it has also been an emotional day. Everyone tells me not to think about the “what ifs” because I’ll only drive myself crazy, but they don’t understand how hard it is not to wonder! Our Christmas and everyday of our lives would be SO much different if our baby girl was here. I remember at my first doctor’s appointment, the doctor told us Aleena’s due date and then said, “So you will have a baby just in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas!”, and that was so exciting and that is what we started preparing for. Like any expecting mother, I was already planning out her first Christmas in my head and imagining how great it was going to be! Yes, our baby passed away right after entering this world, but that doesn’t mean that all of my dreams, emotions, hopes and love went with her. All of those things are still with me and it is so hard to try and give all of it up. I miss her so much that it hurts! I remember the words one of the doctors said to me at one point, I said it was so hard to comprehend that Aleena wasn’t going to make it because she was constantly moving and kicking and just SO FULL OF LIFE like any other baby and he told me that even though it was hard to take in, I was the only reason that she was full of life and as soon as her umbilical cord was cut and we were no longer physically connected, she would not be strong enough to survive on her own. Those words have stayed with me. I wish I could have given her a full life, even if it meant losing my own. My love for her is unexplainable. I can only pray that she knows that and that she had a wonderful Christmas in Heaven, filled with laughter, love and happiness!